I take a drug called Paxil for obsession. I missed one day and had the most obsessive dreams I could imagine. I woke up just now at 6 minutes to 6 am from an obsessive nightmare.
My things were gone. All the useless things. The things I’d been collecting.
I had bought a beautiful wooden chest that had a variety of drawer sizes from small to large, tall and thin. In each drawer, a collection of things, mostly useless. Random things. I remember most vividly, the fake money from tabletop board games. Every conceivable denomination from Monopoly to Masterpiece. I spent much of the dream sorting stacks of mixed currencies into their appropriate size and colour stacks.
Sorting newspaper clippings from old advertising and celebrity autographs on all sorts of assorted papers.
I had taken over the whole living room floor with little piles of paper and clumps of various clutter. When anyone would ask why, I’d answer; why not, as if that were a perfectly acceptable response to the situation. Every now and then, I’d sneak in the question; do you think that’d be worth anything on eBay, knowing full well I had no intention of selling. I suppose it was a mild comfort that my stack of 237 Masterpiece green 1 million dollar bills might actually have a real world value anywhere but inside my mind.
The cabinet itself was beautiful. I opened each drawer with joy as I showed off the treasures in each to the spectators that had gathered around my mess. I’d open one and it would contain some oddity I’d be impressed with. Usually, they just didn’t get me. They failed to share my joy. The dream started to fail me from there.
Self-doubt – the second voice that ruins everything brings with it the feelings of guilt. I see the situation with perspective and suddenly the carpeted floor has been turned over like a farmer’s field after harvesting the season’s corn, refreshed in the spring to be reborn as a new crop. The floor had been rototilled into mud, and all my stuff was mixed among the freshly tilled dirt like an archeologist dig, lost under a fresh level of topsoil.
When I spotted items from my real life memories including some Lego pieces I owned, I realized they’d destroyed stuff from all my cabinets too, not just the obsessive collection, I started to really freak out and cry.
Then I awoke, adjusted back to reality, found it mildly amusing and started to write this down.
I know I forgot a lot, including the moment a horse walked into the house and was going to need up the piles, but that seemed so non sequitur, I didn’t understand how it fits in, in either reality.
I think I better renew my prescription today.
If I go another day without, I may experience something oddly similar happening in my real life. I already have a few oddly random collections of things.
“It’s not real money. It’s Monopoly money” is an obscure quote I frequently use from the odd movie; What’s up Tiger Lily”. To date, nobody has ever recognized the line.
At first I didn’t see the amount of smoke on the exhale that I expected, so of course – I did another one. Another few actually.
Still no exhale smoke. I did some nice long rips too. I remember being complimented on how big an inhale I could do back when I was first lkearning how to toke correctly. There is a right qaway and a wrong way to inhale pot.
I should poiunt out that, despite the opening remarks, I did — quite obviously, … feeel… the … effects. Or affects. I haven’t mastered that trick yet.
I am high.
I remembered a line my phsyciatrist (sic) (shrink) — The proicess overwhelmed, and I foirgot the goal.
That’s a shirt campaign; The process overwelmed and I forgot the goal.
I forgot the puitrpose of my story.
–Among the thoughts that ran through my brain at the end of that sentence were;
I just realizes if I list them, I’ll wander off into imagination to visualize each one, and a single line will either not b e enough, or it …
The poioint is, comiting to a list when you’re tyhis high is futile. Much like resistance.
ding. Idea. On my phone, if I was blogging this using my Android and the GBoard, I could actually google what resistance is, in the electronics world, and perhaps make a pun or a joke referring to the electrica resistance so that my obvious Star Trek tie in would be less an indicator of my nerd-n ess.
That sentence took a long time to type and I think I wandered off the path. I have decided for this journal, I will use the idea that a Path is a much better anaology for my life. Oh shit! That trigered a memory that was lost in the forest —
I am too high to write well.
Mr Doctor’s Appointment Reactions.
(1) Feeling of instant guilt that I would consider sharing these openly.
(2) Feeling of pride sticking up for itself in the fictional brain battle for the right to choose esteem.
(3) Feeling of shame that the sentenmce above is crap.
(4) Fee;lling of worry that I might be crazy
(5) Feeling of pride standing out like The Tick, defending that I have worth.
Feeling of shame that I was almost egotistical, which is a fear line core belief wall.
Feeling of confusion as I lose my place looking back at these instantanious descriptions of my reactions.
feeling of shame that writing about it could not possibly be real time.
I’m just going to dialogue a representation of what I am thinking as I type it, and
thats where the heavy weed toke comes it. IT allows me to slow
I am sad this stuff I chose is still illegal, and a much higher risk undergroiund demand. I may actually have to give it up.
Shame. I’m not telling the whole truth.
A flurry of thoughts interupting each other until viewed as a group like a cloud of explatives or Pig Pen from Charlie Brown.
No, that ca’t be right. Pig Pen.
Ding. If this was on my phone, I could google it.
Hey Google, who was pig pen from chartlie brown
It will fail (I believe) so I might not have sked, but that seems silly as I type it, so I do.
Watch, it will fail. I am cheering fior it to fail so — I was going to say so you can see I was right, which is the only reason I’d pick a side and hope.
That is an unusual risk. If only I could remember what I was saying, I would contine, but instadea I am just focued on my keyboard.
I have not looked up.
ha. I did look up and see my brain tricked me into not asking the Google Assistant, because now I might lok like an idiot. I wasn’t going to ask, and yet, since then I had to look up again.
new> I smell my drug exhales in the room. It is a strong smel I can not judge from inside it, but I suspect it’ll be smelled upstairs.
I have the fan on.
I never decided whether that was better or worse for a smell to carry, but my best guess from this state is the fan makes it worse in the apartment, but I pretend to know because it makles me feel better,
I feel the fan might… I paused to change the abolsute, ve even in a sentence where I’d already provuided my out earlier in the sentence.
I grin because I know this explains my brain so well, folowed instantly with the assumption that it is just unreadable nonsese to you, the reader.
I’m best when I’m not woprrying about you, and your iopinions from the bfuture. It’s best when I ignbore you and trust that all I ever needed in my life was a second draft.
I stopped becauee I actually forgot the idea right before typing it.
My brain throws a tantrum distractiopn and my path is rerouted.
“If you’re the first one in the forest, you get to choose where the path will be.”
I insuted a good aquantance today. If we were all in Hollywood, this guy would have been Rob Lowe… no, .
John Stamos. I could not remember his name, but he’d play my friend… however that is just in my Universe based on very few actual meetings. Jason is like a celebrity to me. A modern day Fonz. A cool guy I don’t have in my circle of friends. A player.
Now he may object and say I know nothing about him, and he’d be right, but my interaction with him has allowed me toi build his story. A DJ cool guy with good looks and frequentyly a different lady.
Rule: Never ever talk to the girl accomplaning a cool guy, because it might not be the same one next time and if you ask about her daughter’s dollhouse, and if they paintred the lkitchen pink, you’re going to get two very angry stares.
The story however is about how I got to the name Jogn Staomos.,
All I knew was he played JJesse on some show way back that may or may not be the same one with the host of America’s Funniest Home Vidoes playing a dad, but not his Dad I thgink.
Just now I realized I could have used the Olsen twins, but I chose to find his name from the cast of that show, but just as I was about to ask my Google Home, I flashed and forgot the show. I still don’t know it as I write.
Google only knew the cast back to Tom Bergeron and then I realized it might actually have been called something different. ding. Are they even the same show? ding. Google couldnb’t help me.
I asked if it would know who played Jesse, but sadly there was a show called Jesse so it won the first slot.
I knew they talked about him on Howard Stern’s radio show all the time, and they were friends in the past. He was married, oh yeah, she took his name.
ding. Rebbeca Rohmn Stamos. Ding John Stamos.
“The worst compliment you can give anyone, is to tell them who they remind you of”
I love that thought, although I am not the originator. I just bumper-sticker-ized, ding I twitterized it to it’ll fit on top of a pictiure of Doc Brown in the mirror and shared as an animated gif on Facebook.
Since we are communicationg more and more through written word and video than ever before, I am most excited about the emergence of gyphs
I know them by that, a brand name that current hold what I refer to as the Kelenex spot of invention.
GYphs (i hope thats right. I actually don’t remember the name I’m saying is famopus enough to be known by name for a genere. Somewhat like Google is to searching.
Are GIF and JPG and PNG all brtand names too? I remember the inven tor of GIF wanted to ask for a payment wheneverr one was used but I don’t remember any details. It exists in my memory only to this extent. I do seem to have memories that the video encoding was owned. I know we have to actually pay for the DVD licence. I wonder if the community looks apon DVD as dicks or herios for being the only hold out.
It’s probably a somewhet interestiung history, and it probably relates in some way to the HBO series — the name of which escaped me litera– Silicon Valley. Appatrent that thought hadn’t quite eft the building.
guilt. Even in my head I can tell when O puncline bomds.
SOmetimes the anaology is more interesting than the reality. I have to learn to use anaoloogies to explain feelings, but —
That’s the connection
feeling excited, which ifoir me is pride of a fresh idea I think is a winner
Evil laugh inside my head as I rtealize my exciotement at the process flooded my brain and the path is gone.
I have on;y “That’s the connection” to go on before I forgot.
My shrink tells me I need to “feel” emotions. I am told that I can’t truly “feel” while I’m thinking, so I have to not only shut up my talking, but pause my thinking once in a while… or all the time.
At this very moment I think, wow. I never quite looked at it that way. Ah, weed. Mixed seperatly days aprt with therapy is key for me.
UIntil it’s worse for me. It might eb worse, but I am not sure I would come to the same concultioins withjout it.
It is however Wednesday, and today I failed a few times. I have car trouble and that threw my stress and depression a notch higher because money is so tight, I am using coins for slices of pizza abd 99C Mac and chheese frozen boxes. KD is cheaper but twice the effort and not a good A.DD food.
Yes. That is a ting. People like me… Ok, Me. I have learned I should not cook food using devices that do not turn off when I forget about them. Microwaves do this for me, and beep loudly so I hear them — usually. The number of times I have opened the microwave for lunch, and found yesterdays microwave paste there with one day later. ding, I know.
I have been writing in run on sentences becauee my thoughts seldom have a period. However in literature, it’s one of the things to avoid. If I click a button, WordPress wil even lable it with whatever the real word is for run on sentences.
Hmmm… No, maybe it is a run on sentence called a run on sentence.
The point is… Overusage? I hate that line.
I have forgotten food in the microwave several times. If it had been the stove or oven, I might have — whatever.
Sadness. Is that what I’m feeling? Not really.
It’s a personal recipe emotion that I feel whenever I have to imagine a negative outcome to whatever I was imagining doing.
My brain is programmed to be the Libra. I need to hear both sides of everything. The balance. The scale of Astronomy, never before used to describe me, but the image came as I was looking for a ay to describe.
ding. I remember.
aaaand it’s gone.
Points of pride for adding a GIF or a GLPH here of the Soputh Park Meme “aaaand it’s gone”.
I wanted to say that our language online allows for a creativity that many people don’t get to express vocally for one reason or another.
One of my very favourite realization light bulb moments was that instant I realized the secret to romance by written word rather than face to face.
I was in the Universe of Second Life trying my hand at romance with a georgous woman that for whatever reason, on;ly wanted to type. There are literally hundreds of reasons why women prefer non verbal realstionships in that universe, and every man pertending to be a woman will give you a different reqason. You learn in time the main reason is that men are pretending to be women in unknown but apparently very high numbers.
However, I gave it a go as well, and learned something amazing. You can be wonderful with words. I used to write my feelings in brackets. They call it an emote, when you send a description of yourself or your thoughts rather than just typing what you’d say.
It is catching on in a different way in other socialm interactiosn. Animated Gifs are the world’s answer to Famly Guy style cutaways. I’m not saying Family Guy was the leader in attention deficite disorder.
DING. A.DD has a core training. My brain was creative and for some reason, so liniar that I can’t hold two thoughts if my feelings need to be heard, because excitement and pride flash thoughts in an action that is the opposite of self serving,
It’s a curse to get excited and forget what it was that excited you.
I believe tyhat happens more on weed than in real life but I started a coiunter and I’ve al;ready had it hapopoen in sober life three times.
A complete forget of te sentence I was saying because a distraction stole the path.
I wish I could remember the connection because something will pull this altogether.
guilt. I am constantly afraid my humour or writings will be interpretted in a way I can’t control, and won’t like.
The only way to avoid being judged, is to be alone.
When you share, you risk. You will be judged, but true happiness can only be sustaning when you realize oeveryone has their own universe. How they fill their library may be diferent than how you see the world and save your memories and none of it matters until it does.
It’s been thrown at me by numerou souirces. There is no right oir wrong. In thereapy and life, there is no right or wrong. Those are opinions at best of actions that have already happened. There just is, life has happened, and how we judge it is more opinioin.
Our universe is made up of opinion. TYhats what you call how we interpret facts for our universe.
For clairity, The Universe exists, but my universe is finite. It is me, and will die with me. Because I fear judgement, or opinion, I have no created a new one. I can only hope to be remembered in yours. Being remembered favourably is my goal, but being remembered poorly is the fear that holds me back.
“You have a place in my universe. I hope you’ll think fondly of me in yours”
We are starting to FEEEL again. Once it started, negative feelings are among the first to peek through, and this is why so much of socioety is trying to hurt less. PC is more about making sad people less sadder or angry people less angry. Sad may be a poor word choice but in this case, I refer to actually sad people more than those who would call it clinical depression.
I am sad when I think of things I have no control to change, nor incling, but that I know will cause others sadness. I feel for them. It’s why we cry when movie gets sad.
It might be easier for me to feel other people’s emotions, so much so that I developed a skioll that had me believing perhaps I was a true empath. Once that thought was in my head, I stuiggled with it, holding mental debates between the options.
I remember once an elder taught me the foolscap Pro Con list. A blue BIC pen line down the middle and you’d write down the FOR and AGAINST arguments.
My brain has worked that way since. It was only today I realized it and linked it to the scales of Libra.
I’ve listed one of my skills as empathy. I used to enjoy tackling complaining custom,ers because I understood they felt they were right, and I was frequently good at calming.
*Lose it #3 happened with a customer complain about — name of game lost in the translation from cells of memory to Englsish. I know it’s there but I can’t access it right now.
First pause. I’m going to strect hout, maybe watch some TV and rest early.
… or not.
End of Part 1.
When the Internet is down, the email editor seems to be the best way to blog. It still works like an editor with spellcheck and copy and paste. It seems almost everything else won’t even load without the Internet. I have the WordPress app on Windows and I thought it would work without, but it has no options or features at all unless logged in.
It’s a Wednesday, although I’m doing y best to treat every day this week as if it were a Monday. It’snot always going well. I go to sleep early and wake up late and spend a few hours each day working towards my goal. The goal of ridding my apartment of bed bugs.
I have not been openly vocal on Facebook about it because bedbugs are kind of like Leprosy.. Nobody wants to be near you or associate with you in case they get infected.
I have not missed the Internet and TV much. I can check my mail on the phone and even if I happen to go over my 6gb of data this month, extra GBs are $10 for every extra 2GB. I do have to be careful though because I have missed so many bills and my debt is so high, I could miss the cell bill too, and that would be bad.
The problem with debt is that it gets bigger when you miss one or two. I think it’s almost $600 to get my Internet and TV back.
So the work helps me avoid or ignore the problems beyond this new distraction. Bed bugs are quite the distraction. Everything in my apartment has to be moved or thrown out and if it was in a cardboard box, I moved it to plastic bins, which are quite expensive in a time when I have no money. Luckily a friend donated some to the cause, including two #orange ones.
In fact, right now, August 21 I have a lot less than no money. I’ve bounced my car insurance, which was a payment I swore I’d never miss again because years ago, missing that bill caused them to cancel my car insurance. Getting new insurance when yours has been cancelled is a crazy expense but I happened by fluke to have a new accident in the grace period and it went up to 6000 dollars that year.
August is a good cheque month in general, but its also a month where a lot of the accountants go on vacation, so although I used more than $3000 in invoices, it seems a lot of them will arrive in the next few weeks instead of now. I just bounced the mail server withdrawl.
Adding it up, I’m going to need more than what’s coming in to pay what I owe before the loop starts all over again on September 1st.
I don’t want to think about it, so my days is mostly, sleep, pack and throw out. I have found some pretty cool things I didn’t remember. I also found a lot of cool stuff I can sell online.
Tonight, I’m watching Batman vs Superman or Superman vs Batman. I’m not sure how far into it I’ll get before deciding to bail and switch to something ligher.
This is the film they probably thought was going to be great as they were creating it. Lots of deep and dark effects and plot lines, but I’m not too impressed so far. Both Batman and Superman seem to be bad guys and I don’t think that’s what people want in a SuperHero. I don’t like my superheroes to be evil.