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I’ve been blogging on my bus and subway rides as a good way to work out my feelings and mindset in between therapy.  It’s helpful, and I recommend it, even if you don’t really tell anybody about the blogs. They can still be therapeutic. It’s the new socially acceptable way to talk to yourself.

I enjoy watching people on the subway, but after the first initial glances, staring can become awkward. It’s fun to play the “don’t lock looks” game and try to beat the meeting of the eyes at the first sign of a head turn or a look upwards from their phone.

You win some, you lose some but the third and fourth glance catching start to feel creepy. Perhaps just to me. I’m still trying to resolve my issues with always feeling like I look a little creepy. I’m the young man inside an old man’s body. The women I’m attracted to are mostly younger or wealthy enough to afford a great look.

I don’t feel creepy looking at attractive older women, but my brain switches to a different motive and I feel lower class. Dirty jeans, scruffy hair. I am lower class. 

 Working on that but for now, being able to pay rent and but food takes priority over a better wardrobe. Since I’ve convincedyself I’m not yet ready to date and find a mate, subway glanced are just like window shopping.

Blogging is my new transit task… At least until it’s not. I make a 15 second (ish) video for Instagram and a written journal as I ride.

If I can maintain it, I might link the two and discuss other things. My mind is always asking questions and making observations and my pride allows me to believe I write well enough to make at least a few posts that might be #shateworthy. Becoming an overnight success takes a long time. 

To be honest, I’m still terrified of success and insta-fame. I’m not ready to be disliked on a grand scale but I do enjoy fans’ praise so I’m not trying for success. If it happens, it happens.

I watched the series finale of Big Bang Theory this week and understood Sheldon’s terror that his life long goal was actually a horrible change that terrified him in much the same way. He ran away.

Sheldon has a girlfriend, best friend and other friends for support. I have this blog and Facebook and it’s not always real when you get likes. Sheldon has also had sex more 11 times more than I have.

I’m not crazy .my mom had me tested.

End of subway ride.