I turned my bedroom light on from the wall switch hoping but not expecting it would have healed itself and stopped doing a single flash every few minutes or so. It’s annoying but in a way that can be ignored until I feel in the mood to spend the time to solve it. Tonight is not that time.
I have to do more of the chores I should have finished yesterday but didn’t. The temptation to not do them now either is strong, but I feel I should at least do the minimal and put in a visible amount.
Today was a sleep day. The first in a while. Things seem to go poorly on sleep days. I’m on final rations of the drug that keeps me awake, and I don’t remember if I took my other pill this morning.
Each time the ceiling light flashes off and on it is a signal of my failure in life and then the cat comes up against my leg pleading for affection because she has been denied our usual afternoon cuddles.
I just finished a nice home cooked meal in the kitchen with the man of the house. He always cooks fish at least once when his wife is away for the week.
I wasn’t very upset in my mood for the meal but I did my best to not seem slow or quiet. I don’t like sharing my down moods. He’s not really the best choice for emotional support. I’m still not able to determine whether I am an inconvenience or an annoyance or the reason for his mood shift to a less tolerant person than he seemed to be when I first arrived. I believe any of the above most of the time, but it disturbs me more when I’m in this life evaluation mood.
Which luckily I am able to stay above most days. I’m still enjoying my programming hobby and making my videos of the chickens and playing with AI to make different content. I flip between being sad they don’t gain many fans, and being happy they don’t gain many haters. Or even fans. Being where I am is fine. I prefer a life offline and online without responsibilities and a minimum of decisions to make.
I just prefer it a little more when I can partake in full dose medication instead of; I’m trying to make this little bit last until I can afford the refill.
So this was my Friday. Unfinished jobs and 6 hour naps. The morning alarm woke me for only the second time And then the 4pm alarm woke me again. I had kd lunch and fish and rice for dinner.
Only about 5 chocolate chips, because I’m also rationing the last chocolate bar. It’ll keep my morning wake up better than it could do for me now.
The blog marks the day but the week went fast. My mood is Always less stable on ration weeks toward the end of the month when I’m out of food, chocolate, cookies and drugs.
After a few more days, the two remaining payments arrive to cover the start of month bills and if I’m lucky, I won’t have any $45 overdraft fees this month. I might even have enough for the drugs.