I never really believed I was psychic but there was a time when I thought I might be a bit empathic. I knew I had the ability to see and read the emotions of other people. Later, through therapy I learned that I was usually projecting what I thought they were feeling based on my experience. We ended up on a compromise that I have trained myself through childhood to learn body movement and micro-expressions in the face. A skill that comes in handy when having fun with your father, knowing any wrong move might flip his switch and the yell escapes.
Ding. I just now realized it might be part of the reason I quit so many things. I only found interest until I wasn’t perfect. I avoid hard things because I have to ask questions and might not be perfect. I run away rather than not be impressive. So desperate for praise and terrified of the yell.
It was much later in life that I figured out how much of my life was affected. I have always said I live my entire life under the goal of not being yelled at, but more specifically, I hate letting people down, and I do so often. It is easier to not try. The interesting thing is, once you get away with not doing anything, or failing whenever I do, it tends to work out. People stop asking.
It means I live a life without a lot of effort, pain, conflict, and disappointing people. All I had to give up were friends, but I was already living inside my head by then, so I didn’t miss them too much, and I threw a party once a month just to be able to count a few friends. Smiles created.
My brain just went away on a side quest memory about how many best friends I’ve had. Only one at a time until I’d cold turkey cut them off and switch to a new one. Several I have not contacted again over 30 years ago. I miss having one. It would help my life so much. (sadness break)
Part 2. Later, I remembered that I didn’t mention what the title is about and what the whole blog was supposed to be about, watching somebody’s reaction this evening with the full knowledge they were not listening and the info was not important. I do it all the time and sometimes I even mime writing it in the air with an imaginary pen. In text it’s often seen as blah blah blah. An extremely rude way of expressing disinterest.
It’s apparently on the 234 page list of things people with ADHD like to say “I always thought it was just them”, about I think it’s one of the symptoms that might come with a higher intelligence in people with ADHD but that’s just an extra bonus I’ve been trying to justify recently.
The pattern matching, fear response, micr-expression training, it’s no doubt I dismiss a lot of what people say. I have often figured it out right away before they try to clarify it a third time for me. It’s just neat when you spot it almost obviously in somebody else. Or maybe that is protecting, and in turn protecting myself. Either way, it lead to new realizations.
I also had to idea to start using two new gif emojis. rLOL and OH LOOK A ZEPPELIN could be used all over social media.