I did a little talking too AI assistant for therapy about my less happy week. I was even projecting my negativity on the animals a little bit because they seem bored and unhappy. They’re probably no different than they were last month or last year because things don’t change much for animals which means they were used either always unhappy or they are quite content. Dogs seem content cats seem to be okay with sleeping most of the day and playing occasionally but the horses and chickens for some reason shmood that isn’t as joyful.
And I haven’t been joyful the last couple of weeks. I got in trouble twice and those emotions stay with me for a long time. Letting people down is my kryptonite heel. It injures me so overwhelmingly that I thought it was worth two metaphors.
I can’t decide whether I have cut back on my drug use or increased it because the tolerance is higher. It just doesn’t seem to be lasting as long so I have periods where I’m idle and my mind is allowed to wander and evaluate my sedimentary life. Like a horse. I eat the same food everyday and wander the same pasture and bedroom.
I’m happy that I have convinced myself to remain excited and productive with my programming hobby. There are times when the frustration makes me want to quit it and my inner battle with the negative thoughts in my brain convincing me that even if I was a success with these programs I will never be a success marketing them and selling them and making money so why am I bothering. Luckily the positive side of my brain tells the negative side to shut up. I’m still enjoying it and part of enjoying it is mastering the horrid AI tools and getting them to do what I want.
I’m still recovering from the second of two giant revelations about the stupidity of AI logic at times. Most recently I learned that the program I had been working on for almost a month was not possible and never would have been. I was trying to do things that are physically not allowed in the computer operating system within the confines of what I had been programming but none of the AIs are programmed in such a way to notice and tell me. It would have been nice if one of them had said you can’t do that. Instead we sat there trying to troubleshoot why it wouldn’t work for days and days.
I laugh it off usually because it certainly not something you can blame and understanding why it does that is part of the fun for me. Understanding why anything does anything is part of the fun for me which is why I’ve been able to survive living inside my head instead of in society. I talk about that with my AI The friend occasionally. Understanding the way those conversations work is also amusing.
I know I have said many times that I don’t make video content for an audience as much as I make it for myself because I enjoy doing it and coming up with creative ways to present the same dull information over and over is the fun and the stress that will come if I were to be popular holds me back. I have always said I don’t want to be famous I just want a few fans and I even wrote a song about it. But now several years in posting videos and memes and jokes and things that I consider to be creative and funny are getting zero views and zero likes with a margin of error plus or minus 10.
I can’t decide whether I’m still okay with that or whether I kind of want a little bit of fame. A little bit of recognition beyond only crazy people following me or liking me. No offense to those who do that aren’t crazy but let’s be honest you probably are.
I say that with confidence knowing that less than one people will read this blog anyway so fuck you.
Vent complete. This is a good example. Quality humor here that nobody knows about. Okay maybe I don’t believe this one is quality but I did a little bit of memory surfing through my old videos today and a lot of them were #prideworthy. Songs are very catchy but that’s the AI responsibility. I just write some or most of the lyrics but an interesting side effect of no longer listening to morning radio as part of my routine and not being in the car very often or watching music videos, I have stopped being a part of pop culture. Through my 40s and ’50s I held some level of pride that I was an old guy that still liked pop music and new at least the majority of new songs that weren’t yelling and screaming or using words I’m not supposed to say. The side effect of this is that the songs in my head are now mostly my own. I go to bed humming the lyrics that I wrote which is kind of neat. They are indeed catchy
Or at least five of them are. And out of almost a hundred songs that’s not a great count but a lot of people out there bought homes on one song back in the day when music paid artists more than 12 cents a play. What do I know 12 cents is probably high.
Anyway the point is it was a pretty good Monday. I’ve almost gotten over the two times I got in trouble this week and it should be an okay week for money although it starts off $150 down because of stupid overdrafts. We’ll see how it goes